It’s fucking hard to say to myself to feel relax when you knew you feel threatened by people who don’t mean to,but yes they fucking are.
So this is the reality when people lied to themselves and in any other way,make you feel scared for might not getting what you’re fighting for two years. I take courses and courses, study those lectures at classes day by day,and I learn about it on my own when I get free day,and all above I mentioned,they don’t get it (I guess) , and I still feel threatened.
Dear Allah subhanahu wata’ala,Mom,dad,and dear myself,
Please,give me strength and relaxed aura for my future.
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When somebody you love the most is never mind you existence. When somebody you always worry about is never know what you feel inside. Not because they’re so much damn fool, but they never ever needed you in their live.
Ketika lo dibegoin orangtua lo, diboongin berkali kali oh yeah dan mereka gapernah nganggep lo mandiri. Apa gunanya sih sebuah larangan? Gaboleh nyetir karena nyokap lo yang gaberani nyetir. Ada hubungannya?
Kapan ya gue bisa keluar dari rumah?ngekos kek apa kek part time kek apalah. Ampe kapan gue dibego-begoin mulu? Ampe mati?
Ahilah semuanya egois. Bahkan keluarga inti. Berarti gue juga boleh. Adil kan?
Saya ini setengah tidak dianggap
Padahal saya sedang berusaha
Usaha untuk memberitahukan
Kepada siapa saja
Bahwa saya sedang berpikir
Saya sedang memeras otak saya
Untuk belajar di bidang yang mungkin disiapkan untuk saya
Saya ini dipandang sebelah mata
Mata yang meremehkan
Oleh siapapun itu
Di dalam hati mereka
Saya mendengar mereka bernafas meremehkan
Saya memaklumi, karena mereka tidak tahu siapa saya
Saya memaklumi, karena saya tahu
Generasi butuh pembaharuan
Saya mendapat sebuah lengkungan
Lengkungan itu bernama seringai,seringai merendahkan
Saya rasa mereka menobatkan diri mereka sendiri
Penobatan menjadi yang lebih tinggi
Saya mendapat suara mengelu
Mengelu tidak percaya ketika saya berbicara tentang prestasi saya yang silam
Dan saya mendapat satu bukti, bukti mereka tidak memperhitungkan saya
Secara harfiah, mereka tidak salah
Saya merasa wajar, karena mereka tidak belajar stratifikasi dan diferensiasi sosial seperti yang saya pelajari
Saya memaklumi, karena itu persepsi masyarakat yang masih lengket untuk mereka
Tetapi tidak untuk saya
Tuhan saya menciptakan saya berbeda
Saya berfikir demikian
Ketika manusia lain berpikir
Bahwa saya tidak cukup pintar
Ya, mereka berfikir
Mereka berfikir bahwa saya tidak cukup pintar
Dan,apa mereka tahu siapa saya?
Apa mereka mengenal seperti apakah saya?
Bahkan saya masih belum sempurna memahami diri saya sendiri
Mereka sudah berkeseimpulan demikian
Yah,apa mereka memang sangat cerdas?saya tidak tahu
Saya tidak diperhitungkan
Bahkan sebelum mereka mulai berhitung
Saya tidak diperhitungkan
Bahkan sebelum saya mulai menampakkan siapa saya
Saya tidak diperhitungkan
Di tempat saya sendiri
Dan ketika bertahun kelak saya menjadi seseorang
Ketika semua yang saya usahakan menjadi benih dan berpohon kemudian bercabang dan berranting ranting
Kemudian berbunga dan bertunas berkilauan
Masihkah saya tidak diperhitungkan?
Routine ways in my life, never get over someone in something by someway and it happens naturally repeated.
I helped him, I’m good am I?but I keep telling myself not too trusting him. It is, he’s got the new girl now 🙂 congratulation fucking-man, but I know its going to happen so I keep it inside ouuch yeah.
Smile is harder now, force it like hell yeah. I smile because something else but when you came its all gone. Where you take my smile and laughs and joys of live?
I’m nothing for you, nothing inside you, nothing for every you, so why does my feel tell me the opposite? It doesn’t make sense, does it? Hahahhaha how funny is my life, repeatedly fucking sick to looking at you.
Yeah. Four years that doesn’t seems interesting to hear into. But I’m moving step by step, signed out my old account in my soul,and opened new account in different better me, to get my life full of love 🙂
In the end this posted I wish I’m not sad,but it is, say goodbye totally to you. I’m sorry if I bothered you so much 😀
I love the way you write down your feelings
You see?the way you hold the pen and the way the alphabet’s flow
The inks that you spent for word after word, I love these things happen
I watch it, my routine activity, my opportunity to let myself flow into your words
You, the writer of everything insie you
You enjoy it yourself, you prove yourself that you can do that
Can I read it?read what you writing down now?
Can I read all there journals? I’m curious about what were you thinking when you wrote those pages down
My golden little lady,private writer to me
The one who share with me,the one I share with
When my words out of stock, she refills it
When my worlds kinda break, she break off the breakers
When I feel like dying, she blows a live through me
You kit the words, one by one, then give it to me
Then you’ll ask me “how is it?is that great?should I remake it?”
Then I’ll say “no need to remake it, I think. This is you”
We sink into words, sing it to the song
I put you into hard situation, so sorry lady, I am
But then with these words you let me hear the unspoken words
And you let me know that you love me, and
You let me know,
You let me know, that I’m great.
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Its been a while for me, long time no touching you
Missing you like hell, gosh what can I do?
Do I have something to bring me laughters?
We share everything every second in our live
Just like we don’t need anything outside the circle
So why keep I go somewhere if we do?
So why keep you guiding me walking these paths that you hate, but I don’t?
I love it, when I must walking along the sidewalk, with coffee and sight-seeing
With my lovely convers that warm me while I walk
Just like another afternoon routines, that’s mine
Actually, I wanna walking down streets
I’m trying to find a place that suit me, give me home
Give me the courage to do what I want to do
To make me keep on writing things I desire
And to make me accept something that deep inside people deserve it on me
Well, this is my dream since I was child, live alone. Independent but not pathetic
I wanna see what can I do since I have no one around me behind these roofs
I want to make those things to be my hobbies, my routine for me
Because, I hate stuck in this situation since I was born.
No better way to support the courage than let you free to choose
No better way to heal the fail than still let you still walking in your way
No better way to teach you how hard is the world
Except let you to be you
Kid, the world is created by God
And God is design who’s living in it
And we born kid, with other people too
We born in the same way,but not in the same purpose and destiny
So never let people judge you as long as you’re not hurt them
Even tough its your dad or mom that push you
They have to know that era’s change, so does mind
You have to know kid, each people is different
Because God wants you to be like this, and God wants other to be like that, and else and else
So why don’t you just go ahead for your dream?
How many people was regret of their ignorance of their dream because they’re afraid of a word called “FAIL” ?
Dream is never fail, kid. Or actually, never.
Because you, kid
Live in a place where they push you with all things you aren’t into that, are you?
Don’t worry, changing themes happens
Life is rough kid, rough
I’ve been in your age, just like the other else, just like your parents and teachers too
But, our future has done, its been years now
Our future is on our back, and your future is still there…….far away
so why are you so afraid of what we say?
We don’t wanna you to fail kid, no
Because they didn’t believe about the plan inside your head
And actually
THEY JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU’RE AS SAME AS THEM
But when the olders keep talking about their stupefaction about your future
They fear about your own way in your own head
Realize or not, they teach you to be a COWARD
Gue udah enak banget nyusun semua barang barang gue ditempat yang benar-benar gue suka.
Terus tiba tiba lo dateng,bongkar bongkar semuanya dan blablabla.
Dan lo maksa minjem cd gue di laci kesayangan gue,lo bongkarin tuh semuanya kayak anjing lagi gali tempat buat tulang.
Kayak tai nya lagi, ya barusan. Tiba tiba masuk kamar, nyalain lampu,buka buka laci. Anjing cekaleeeeeeeeeeee eh lo tuh siapasih bongkar bongkar?gapunya sopan santun banget ih. Menjijikan.
Asal lo nyadar aja ya,gue gabakal mindahin barang2 gue.udah pas buat gue soalnya ini kamar gue. Ya selanjutnya gue kunci aja kamar gue,biar gaada anjing gali tanah buat tulang lagi sejenis lo.
Bodo amat lo mau bilang gue parah kek gue seenaknya kalo ngomong.lah emang siapa yang baca sih blog gue ini.
I don’t even know why I’ve been so this anxious
What did I do wrong?
Am I about too that worry or something?
I’m not hiding anything I don’t disbelief you
So what is exactly going on now?
I know my appearance is bad
But deep inside am I that fierce?
Am I missing you so bad?
Am I really hurt because something I don’t even realize?
Am I this lonely? Should I stand among my loneliness? Do I like it?
Are you going to betray me?
Are you going to leave me?
You’re my dad, you’re my mom, but why you always give me words that bring me down? What on earth I must do as ordered by both of you? Can’t you understand the different between maid and kid?
You’re mocking me, ‘you can’t do that’ ‘siapa yang nyuruh kakak keluar negeri?’ YAELAH NYANTE AJA KALI gausah ngomong gitu, siapa lo juga ngatur hidup gue?iya lo orang tua, tapi kenapa juga makin lama lo marahin gue terus?
‘Hah?emang bisa disana sendiri?’
‘Ya gak boleh lah’
‘Emang bisa?haha’
‘Hah?mikir dulu lah kau bisa apa gak’
‘Buat apa kesana?’
‘Siapa yang nyuruh kesana’
‘Loh emang kakak bisa?’
‘Kakak nanti mau kuliah di UI ya?’
‘Mau fakultas ekonomi?’
‘Hmm.. Emang kakak maunya apa?’
‘Hmm..kok kakak tertarik?’
‘Hmm kalo teknik kakak mau?’
‘Jangan hukum lah kak’
‘Berarti ambil D3 dong’
‘Hah?buat apa?’
‘Emang nanti kerjanya apa?’
‘Nanti jadi apa posisinya’
‘Loh siapa yang nyuruh kakak kerja di luar negeri’
‘Jadi apa dong?penerjemah?ha ha’
KAMPRET LO
Lo nyuruh gue akuntansi gitu? Lo nanya gue mau jurusan apa itu udah dari smp, gue jawab itu itu aja masa lo ga ngerti sih? Kakak nanti…ips ya? Mau jadi apa?jadi apakek terserah gue juga kali,IYAA GUE TAU LO ORANGTUA IYA GUE TAUUUUUUUUU tapi kenapa gue jadi males nurutin lo berdua yak? Ampe ngetawain minat gue,ya lo aja hidup gapunya cita cita.nanya gue mau kerja apa posisinya apa ya mana gue tau, emang gue hidup buat cari duit apa. ‘Ya kamu mikir gitu soalnya kamu anak orang kaya’ ya emang hidup gue gini masa gue mikir gue anak orang miskin, gue banyak makan gini. Terus kalo gue punya cita cita APA SALAHNYA?HAH?APAAN?
Gue masih kelas satu kali, mana gue ngerti gue mau kerja dimana gue mau duduk di jabatan apa. Gue gak gila duit kali walopun duit itu perlu buat hidup.
Tapi lo juga gakpunya hak ngomong gitu ke gue, menurut gue.
‘kan kayak tante wiwik gitu hebat yah, punya S1 bahasa prancis kerjanya keluar negeri’
‘Siapa yang nyuruh kakak keluar negeri?’
Gue diem.males ngomong.
‘Emang kakak mau kerja dimana?di bagian apa sehingga kakak dikirim keluar negeri?’
Bangsat.
Jadi maksud lo gue harus bayar kuliah sendiri gitu?lo gasuka gue belajar apa yang gue suka?kenapa lo gak langsung bilang ‘ayah gak suka kakak disitu’ kenapa? Malah bilang ‘kakak ambil akuntansi dulu, itu yang penting.baru ambil yang kakak suka?’ Emang yang sekolah elo?emang ini masa depan elo?hah?
Pengecut.
Bilang dong ke depan muka gue kalo gak suka, gausah sok sok nanya pertanyaan yang diulang dari gue smp malah. Nyuruh gue ipa? Demi Allah otak gue gabisa di ipa, dan gue juga emang gasuka sih. Ini aja gue sekarang kelas 10, lo pikir gue belajarnya semangat?hah?kaga cing,males banget gue belajar,makin pinter gue makin lo suruh jadi apa nanti gue?gue bego aja ngayal lo setinggi langit,nyuruh teknik????itu mama kali,bukan gue.
Gue.
Nyesel jadi anak yang nurut. Lama lama keterlaluan banget. Salah jadi psikolog?salah gitu gue mau belajar bahasa asing?salah kalo gue pengen keluar negeri?
lo ngapain heran kalo gue tertarik psikologi?apa salah gue sih?ya otak gue dikasih gini,lo nyuruh akuntansi?berapa kali gue bilang gue gapernah suka gituan,malah nyuruh dokter.gue mau ikut student exchange, dibilang liberal lah dibilang ‘buat apa? Emang berguna?emang dapet sertifikat?emang kakak kira gampang apa disana?’ Ya lo gak ngasih gue kesana gimana gue bis tau gampang apa gak. Lo mau gue manja gitu,biar apa apa gak ngelawan? Lo tuh mau apa sekarang?lo mau gue sukses?gue usahain.tapi kalo gue gasuka jalannya gimana gue bisa sukses?lo mau gue apa?mau gue cantik?lo mau gue langsing?kenapa hidup gue jadi maunya elo?kenapa lo bisa seenak jidat nyruh gue?
Dan gue bener bener males belajar. Sebenernya gue mau nunjukin kalo ke sekolah pun gaada gunanya kalo nanti lo nyuruh gue tetep ke jurusan itu,bodo dah mau lo bilang bego kek tolol kek bukan urusan gue juga. Lah gimana,gue gasuka subject nya, nilai nya gimana mau bagus?kalo bagi gue mata pelajaran itu gak penting,gimana dong?masa harus jadi penting?
Lo mikir lo mau yang terbaik buat gue, tapi gue mikir lo sama aja nyiksa gue.nyesel punya anak kayak gue?kenapa lo gak bilang aja?apa yang gue mau pasti lo gasuka.
Yang sepele aja jadi bikin gue enek. Gue belajar bahasa korea,komentar. Gue belajar ini, komentar. Itu, komentar. Aduh gak penting sebenernya lo komentar,walopun lo orangtua,gue dengerin tapi gue ga turutin. Capek gue lama lama lo bilang gini terus,jalan gue masih 2 tahun lagi gue ngerasa gak guna aja kalo dari awal lo maksa gue ini itu.
Worst mood ever.
Suit Life of Park Sierra 